TARA LLANES DIARY

December 11, 2007 - Tuesday
Life Changing
Clearly what has happened to me has been life changing. So much so that when some people ask about it I'm almost at a loss for words. Imagine having a dream of flying through the air on your bike ever since you were a little girl and then one day that dream came true. After all the hard work you put in. All the squats. All the gate starts. Every single time you scared the living sh*t out of yourself jumping a jump that you weren't quite sure you'd make, but you knew that you had to do it to better yourself.

Within that last paragraph is what made up my life for the past 15 years, and I wouldn't change a damn thing. I love doing squats. I love gate starts. Most of all...I love clearing that jump that I wasn't quite sure I'd clear. I always knew I had the talent to do it, but it was always that damn head of mine that would get in the way. I had always wished I had a switch so that I could turn off that, "oh sh*t, well what if I clip the landing?" Or, “what if I'm not going fast enough?" I always knew deep down that I could do what the guys did.

I recently did a show for Access Hollywood, which I believe will be aired on December 26th. They asked me if they could show my crash footage and I immediately said no, although I did tell them that I could get them the footage and they could watch it themselves if they wanted. Well, for some reason I ended up asking Hugh at Echo Entertainment for a copy myself. I have never watched my crash and haven't had any want, need, or desire to see it. I even asked when it was first aired with Jeep that it not be shown and they completely respected my wishes, which I want to again thank them for. The Access Hollywood producer didn't push me in anyway either to air the crash and also respected the way I felt about it.

About 15 minutes ago I watched my crash and broke down completely. I mean I lost it. On one hand I knew I didn't need or even want to watch it, but on the other hand I've had this idea of what happened and just needed to know what I had done wrong. After watching it I didn't remember crashing like that at all. I mean I knew that I totally screwed up the entrance of the section, but what I saw was insane. My head was at least a foot below the landing. My hands never had a chance of getting off my bars. I hit with such force that I broke my T-12, T-11, L-1, and L-2 vertebrae.

And you know what? After I watched it and cried, and cried, and cried, and couldn't understand why I didn't put my hands out, or why I didn't pull up on the roller before the lip. Then I stopped crying. And the very next thing I thought about was this past year in Whistler, B.C where I had a chance to ride some of the best trails in the world with some of the fastest racers in the world and I smiled. I remember that feeling. That feeling of being in the air just floating over and over and over again. Riding with Jeff Lenosky, Brian Lopes, Andrew Neethling, Heath Pinter, Kurt Sorge, Richey Schley, and Hans Rey. The only girl holding her own just like I always wanted to do. I was doing it and loving absolutely every second of it. I will never ever forget that feeling. The way you suck up the lip as you’re hitting it at 15 mph and throwing your bars down to the right as your rear end hits the lip and swings over to the left. Just floating for what seems like an eternity.

I will never forget what that feels like and so help me I will find a way to float again. Gawd I love my bike.

Follow your dreams dammit and don't ever ever give up!

tara